My audition for the GONG Show

(from May 22, 2008)

I was still at home in Queens when my friend Rich called me up to tell me he was already at Arlene’s Grocery, and that no one was there except for an old Homeless man. This was where they were holding the auditions for The Gong show, originally broadcast n the 70’s, now to be hosted by Dave Attell.

I eventually got there on the “V” train for “virtually slow” and the doors of Arlene’s Grocery were open for the show. Clearly there were not too many people at the club which is known for late nights of extreme “punk Karaoke”, vomiting patrons, and exclusive debauchery and selective drug exchanges in the basement bathrooms.

I also anticipated that there would be a huge line-up and I that I would be waiting for at least 7 hours. Though when I got there, the production assistants were just setting up and getting their disclaimers and papers ready for people to come in.

Put it to you this way. I got to Arlene’s at 10:30 am and got seen at approximately 11:15 am. I was number 4 on the list! Ahead of me were three other performers, one of them was the guy who we thought was homeless and turned out to be the legendary “Bingo Gazingo. He is a legendary rap/scat NYC artist. He raps poetry, is 90’ years old, and has one tooth remaining that dangles when he grins!

Bingo gets up on the stage, barely mind you; he situated himself on the stage and then begins his rant. The producers and everyone start to applaud gesturing for him to get off stage, but instead he continues to ramble on and on. He is in his own world and the producers don’t know what to do!

Finally someone shouted “Next”! Bingo realizes that it is his time to get off the stage. He attempts to get off the stage, but can’t! The stage was SO high up the he was shaking and everyone thought he was going to collapse! In an instance, ten people scramble to the stage to try and lift the poor old man off the stage. What a sight! Then the producer asks: “Who came with him and brought him here”?? No one replied. Someone in the distance cries out, he came on his own! Next thing you know the audition was at a standstill until someone was found to escort Bingo home.

After that situation was under control, the audition resumed. My friend Rich went up. He held a large magnifying glass to his face and said “This is me in High-Def”! People laughed, next! Then we had a taste of a really weird dude who seemed normal in the holding are where he was wearing a suit and tie and looked like a business man.

His turn is up and all of a sudden he strips his shirt and tie off and puts on a white T-shirt with the words “DR.COOL” Emblazoned all over it which he must have just done as you could still get that “magic marker high” from a freshly indelible sharpie. He gets up on stage and just when you though it could not get any worse, he starts preaching and rapping about the anti-Christ, the second coming and stuff. It was a mess!

So when it was my turn to go up, the producers were already subjected to a train wreck and I was in an awkward position. I ended going up and doing an “ethnic song” while dressed in Gypsy garbs. Trust me. I was the most normal one there! That’s the scary part! I think I did alright considering I wasn’t taken out and asked to leave immediately!

Following me there was this amazing dance sexual group from Russia! I have seen this group perform before at Americas Got Talent, and they are truly amazing. The Lead dancer calls himself “Leo” is this exotic sexy Russian 7-foot tall sexy young man with glitter on his lips. Accompanying him are these 3 very sexy, erotic dancers.

As Leo towers over all these dancers, he starts the routine off with this huge coat embedded with flowers. They start dancing to that song “You could be my cowboy”, he starts getting into this sexual escapade, similar to Rocky of Rocky Horror Sweet transvestite. And he takes his huge flowered coat off to hum just wearing skin tone briefs. Meanwhile the ladies are swinging hoops and dancing around him.

Needless to say, this group stole the show. After they finished the Men were all astonished and the Women, including myself were drooling! Soon the media was there including NYPost.com, Insiders Edition and TMZ.com were there interviewing and taping the acts. They all gravitated towards the Russian dance erotic group and interviewed them thoroughly.

There was no way you could compete with this group. The only other act that really got the media’s attention was this guy who spun basketballs on his nose! Even the guy who came in a straight jacket and wrapped himself in heavy chains was no competition for the Russian group!
After I auditioned I stood around attempting to get some interviews.

I did manage to get interviewed by “Inside edition”, though briefly. Also the NY Post was there, I posed for some pictures, though I check out today’s’ NY Post and even though there was a blurb about the event, no one’s’ pictures were in there.

If you go to NYpost.com, (May 23, 2008 edition) online, you will see the Russians and the “globetrotter” in the video posted. Guess I didn’t make the cut.

Oh well, no regrets, it was a fun day and time. At least I didn’t get “GONGED”!!!!

CA